I put up a wall so you and everyone else can’t hurt me.

It’s not a shock to see therapists speaking about borderline personality disorder and the dangers of letting ones self be untreated over time. I figured I had a type of personality or mood disorder that affected me since I was a little girl who could never fit in with any group of “friends” or find a crowd that would accept me entirely. It started when I was in elementary school and I would try to make friends with people who I knew had a similar personality and “rank” in the class- shy but friendly, speaks only when spoken to and could not ever be popular in the grade. I always observed my surrounding to see how others acted, what their responses were to others’ comments, stories, jokes, laughs, idiosyncratic behaviors et etc. the list could go on and on but I would always take time out to watch how the popular, talkative and expressive people in the class would act and I would try to imitate them when I had met someone new. It didn’t bother me so much until I was transferred to a new high school surrounded by a small crowd of people who had grew up together and been in the same classes since they were 9 years old (my school was small and had extended grades) that made me feel isolated. They had an unfamiliar kind of conversations – the ones where they were realistic and dull but f*cked up when they saw something they did’t like or approved of. They weren’t imaginative, accepting and open-minded to newness as I had seen in the crowds of big middle schools and high schools (my last high school had over 3,000 people in two large buildings). One could say, students are easily influenced by superficial qualities when pressured to fit into crowds at a large high school setting. Another could say, crowds at large high schools teach you to be real but manipulative, smart for the means of survival. I agree with both statements to an extent – it was not entirely outside influence that impacted my understanding of the world and myself, it was my mother and father whose unsteady, unhealthy, egotistical, anger-filled, passion-filled, relationship that led to series of traumatic events that made me who I am today. My parents were divorced but still lived together for personal reasons and I could not and did not want them to be together because they know and I knew they would be happier if they were not together, suffering mentally, physically and emotionally.

TBC..

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